Number 33: Show up, slow down, listen

In case you are just joining me in these posts, I’m writing about 51 things I’ve learned in my 52 years of being alive on planet earth. The next two posts are numbers 33 and 34.

33. I can’t change people. I can’t dictate how quickly people change. But, I can be part of the process if need be.

When I earned a counseling degree nearly thirty years ago, I might have subconsciously known this one, but I couldn’t have said it so plainly or simply. Unfortunately, when you start out in counseling and helping people with life’s challenges, there’s tremendous pressure to know many things and be an expert. This innocent, albeit naive, assumption quickly collides head-on with the reality of the situation. Moreover, it crumbles when you slowly but surely realize that people aren’t looking for all-knowing experts but someone with whom they can share painful secrets, simple pleasures, or haunting memories. 

This sharing, giving, and taking, requires time. No one who comes into my office has the same pace or rhythm in their journey. My job is to slow down and join up (horse whisperer language!). My job is to listen, to be curious. I even have to check my knee-jerk impulses to talk, share a story, or give a piece of advice. The first rule for myself is to be present.

Simple, you say? 

I continually underestimate the power I possess in simply being present with someone. We all possess that power with one another! Undoubtedly, there is a part of my brain that screams out that I have more to offer than just my physical, emotional, and spiritual presence with another person. It's safe when I stand with my theories and solutions versus sitting with a person in their struggle (that's for another post another time!). While the course of things will lead us to engage helpful words, ideas, theories, stories, poems, and even laughter, it all starts with being there. The person seeking help must show up and be ready to be known. I, as the helper, must have the capacity to accept the client right where they are.

As things slow down inside of me and afford me this sort of space, the other person begins to slow down and realizes they are not alone. Learning that you are not alone is the first and, perhaps, most powerful part of the counseling relationship. Carl Rogers popularized the idea of “unconditional positive regard” in humanistic psychology. According to this theory, the counselor’s responsibility is to establish an environment that fully accepts the client for who they are which is experienced deeply and positively by the client. Once established, the process of real and lasting change can occur. As Carl Rogers once said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” 

Last year alone, I saw nearly three hundred different individuals in some capacity, most of them facing serious hurdles in their journey. I can’t even begin to describe the diversity of people included on that list! I chuckle at the thought of that alone. But, here’s the thing, I experienced what Frederich Buechner described as calling in all of these encounters: “The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet” (Wishful Thinking: A seeker’s ABC, 119).